i've got nothing left to lose but my memories of you,

My hand is all kinds of messed up.
I can't even make a fist and it hurts to type.
Ugh.

My child is making me mad right now,
because he refuses to sleep or listen to a word I say to him.
And I'm tired and I'm trying to go to bed but I keep having to get out of bed to deal with him
and he doesn't seem to get it,
that a cranky mommy is way worse than a cranky toddler.
Ha.


I cried today,
for the first time in a long time.
I screamed at the top of my lungs. I've been wanting to do that for a while.
It felt good I guess,
but then it led to my hand going retarded.
And when I say going retarded, I mean I tried to beat up my car.
It didn't work in my favor.
But what else was I supposed to do, just sit there and scream and cry like a crazy person?
Ha.

Lately it just feels like everything is going wrong all at once,
and then just when I think things start to get better for one second,
I realize I was totally and completely wrong.
And then I cry.
About my friends,
about work, my mom, being broke,
the fact that I keep finding myself attracted to people who just give me MORE problems,
my son,
life in general being a big pain in the ass,
and just.. everything.
That's what I did today.
I cried about everything.
It felt pretty nice to let it out though,
because I've been holding that shit in for a while.
Honestly I've been holding that shit in for so long that I thought I was going to snap if I held it in for one more second.


And then I come home today
and my apartment's been torn apart,
room by room,
and I just go insane
all over again.
And now I can't even sit in a room
without looking over my shoulder a million times.


My birthday is in 3 days.
Big fucking deal.