will the silence drown you too--

I've never felt like such an incredible douche bag in all of my life.
Seriously.


I had my six-month performance review at work today.
I did well on this one too, thank God.
I would've been pissed if I didn't do as well as I did last time.
One of the only spots I got points taken off was, basically, because I need to show more compassion for my employees.
I laughed.
She's right, I do--but it was just funny to hear.
It's not that I'm without compassion.
I'm not entirely FULL of it either, but I lack it more at work than I do away from work.
Because I have that mentality like, "Seriously, I don't care what your problem is. Do your damn job."
Hence why I'm an off-the-chart D at work (thanks Kip).

Compassion AND common sense (and being human) tells me that we all have problems.
Money problems, problems with kids, spouses, (in)significant others, car troubles, getting evicted, dropping your phone in hot chocolate (what kind of moron...?), whatever.
I have all those problems too.
But I don't bring my problems to work.
Do I think about them? All day, of course I do.
Do I let them affect my job? If I ever have, I could count the number of times I've done it on one hand.
I'm not saying that makes me a better employee or it makes me superboss, because it doesn't.
It just means that people who share that in common with me, our brains are wired differently.
Our brains are wired to tell us, "Hey, you're at work--forget your personal bullshit for the next eight hours."
Well, for me personally, it's more like, "Either forget it, or let it help you work harder."
I have compassion for these same every-day problems.
I HAVE these same every-day problems.
I just don't show the compassion for them often.
Because nine times out of ten in the past when I've shown more compassion than I do now for people's personal problems (at work),
it ends up working against me and I get walked on.
I will not be walked on. Not by anyone.
Not at work, not outside of it.

So does that make me seem cold sometimes? Yes. It does.
Do I do it just so for the fun of being that way? Hell no.
I do it because I honestly think it's the better solution.
I'd like to think that my people know that I'm not completely ice-cold.
I joke with them, I laugh with them, I talk to them about things other than work--just not for very long.
Most of them know that though, I'm pretty sure, if not all of them.
Most of them do know that yes, I care about them and I do like talking and joking with them, but that when it comes down to it, I have to get back to work so don't keep me talking for too long or I'll start to get bitchy.
But you know, when the situation calls for it, I hit the switch that turns on the compassion wires in my brain.
And then I turn them back off as soon as I can after the situation has been dealt with, because too much stimulation of my compassionate circuits will cause my brain to fry.

Kidding.

Sorta.

but never is a promise and you can't afford to lie,

Last night Keith let me borrow his laptop charger.
I plugged it in, and it kept the computer from dying, but didn't actually charge it.
So tonight he let me borrow it again because he didn't need it,
I bring it home,
I look down at MY charger, and sure enough,
the light on it is NOW turning on.
Plugged mine into the laptop, voila!
It's charging.

WTF, Dell. Seriously.

Soooo New Year's Eve is tomorrow (obviously) and I dunno what I'm gonna do.
Meh.
If I end up sitting at home for the rest of the night after the game is over,
I'm gonna be pretty fucking pissed.
Like, someone's life will end.
No really.

Oh 2008, you've disappointed me.
I'm ready for you to leave now.

who's goin home with you tonight,

So, apparently at some point, the stupid AC adapter for my laptop charger
decided to stop working.
So my battery is about to die.
I tried to call Dell to get them to send me another one, because I've already tried EVERYTHING and it's just dead,
and the automated thing finally (after entering all kinds of shit and having to go through twenty goddamn menus)
tells me, "I'll get you to the right person" or whatever the fuck,
the call gets transferred,
and then
I get a disconnected tone
and an operator tells me
"Your call could not be completed. Please hang up and try again."
OH SURE.
Bitch.
I'll call them tomorrow.
Dickheads.


I've decided that I'm not calling or texting basically anyone anymore unless they call/text me.
It may sound stupid.
But aside from Becca and Chuck (pretty much anyway), everyone I'm "friends" with, they don't ever randomly text me or call me. I do.
Which makes me think that they don't care enough to.
Which they probably DON'T.
Hence why I'm not doing it anymore.
I'm not putting anymore energy or effort into friendships that aren't even existent.

I'm going to end up extremely bored because of this though.
That's the only downfall.
That and realizing that I may have even less than four friends.
That would probably be a downside too.
Hmm.

first posts are always the hardest.

Whatever the hell that means.
How melodramatic.

This is like the 50,000th blog I've ever made.
It's annoying, being that compulsive about such lame shit.
I can't help it though.
Before the days of Myspace, Livejournal, etc., back when everyone had AOL (DIAL-UP, mind you--what a bunch of neanderthals),
I was constantly changing my AOL screen name and pissing off all my friends.
They found it extremely irritating and bothersome.
I laughed.

I'm going to take a shower.
And then I will be going to Becca's.
I thought I'd share that with the world.

I just wanted to post something.

My life is dull.