i think i'm moving but i go nowhere,

Here's the thing:
2009 started three days ago and I made no New Year's resolutions like everyone else.
I jokingly told a friend that this was because I'm already so awesome, I didn't see the need to promise myself to change something about me.
Half-jokingly, at least.
The part of me that was serious, well, that is sort of implied.
That part of me believes that I truly don't need to change anything.
The part of me that was joking thinks that I don't see the need to promise myself to change something that I know I'm not going to change,
because I can make New Year's resolutions all day and night for the next week,
but come December 31st, 2009 at 11:59 PM, I won't have accomplished any of them,
nor will I even remember what they were.
But the truth is,
that part of me that really was joking about me being THAT awesome,
if I thought I'd actually do it,
I'd change
everything.

Here's the OTHER thing.
In 24 days, I'll turn 21 years old.
Yeah, it's exciting.
But I'm terrified.
I consider myself to generally be a fairly strong person,
but I'm not big on principles,
nor am I ALWAYS very strong-willed.
I'm horrified of turning 21 and making myself broke.
Seriously.
It might sound silly, but I'm afraid of it.
For example,
on a night when Travis might be staying the night at Mom's house,
if none of my friends are doing anything and I don't want to sit at home by myself on a Saturday night,
what will I do?
I'll go out, to a bar, or at least go somewhere,
and I'll drink all night.
That's one of the reasons why I've always been glad I wasn't 21,
is because whatever party I was at,
whatever drinks I had there at that party,
that was it.
Because I couldn't go out and buy more.
But now, I'll be able to buy them until I drop dead if I choose to (which I wouldn't, but I thought I'd go with a sweeping dramatic statement to make my point),
and then what if I wake up the next morning and have not only spent any cash I had on me when I got there,
and then I realize that I also drunkenly took out a hefty chunk of my bank account from an ATM because I met a cute guy and I wanted to buy HIS drinks instead of flirting with him until he bought mine, or because I met a cute guy that wasn't interested so I felt like drinking away the irritation of rejection.
Sigh.
Looks like my credit card will have to stay at home on those evenings.

But let's just say I were to make New Year's resolutions.
That would be one of them--to make sure I don't go crazy.
Am I going to go nuts at my birthday celebration? Yes.
Am I going to spend all my money? No--and I'm able to say no to THAT one with actual conviction because I'm preparing myself for that specific event.
And also because tax return time will be right around the corner from then.
See, I'm doing it already. I'm becoming an enabler.
For a problem that doesn't exist yet.
And I'm enabling MYSELF.
How pathetic.
Cuddy must be rubbing off on me.
Yes, I've been watching House.

Another one would be to make sure I pay all my bills on time.
To learn more patience at work AND outside of work.
To try to regain some faith in humanity (although that one would never happen anyway).
To stop being such an asshole. Again, at work AND outside of it.
To go see my aunt more often, because it makes her sad when Mom goes to visit her and I don't go with her.
To save more money, although in my defense, that's now going to be even more difficult, what with a huge chunk of my paycheck beginning to go towards health insurance that I've never had to pay for until now.
To take better care of my car (poor Melba Toast, she hates me).
To allow myself to make more friends (I've never been good at extending my circle very far).
To NOT drop another phone in hot chocolate--better yet, to just not damage a phone at all, all year.

Sigh.

Oh, and to get this fucking black dye out of my hair,
go back to brown,
and LEAVE the black out of it.
I'd say and to just leave it alone and not dye it all year, but I KNOW that wouldn't happen.
I might be able to promise myself not to dye it black again though.

I'll pick a few of the ones off that list and call it a day.
But it's still unofficial anyway.