the moment i wanna relax is when the shit kicks in but--

Apparently my grandfather had a stroke last night.
My mom told me this on the phone when I was at work.
She said so far all the tests they've done were coming back normal,
so as of right now, he's going to be fine.
She talked to him, she said he sounds fine.
But I'm not fine.
It reminds me that he's getting old.
It reminds me that one day, he's going to die.
How childish that sounds.
Of course he's going to die one day, yes, we all do.
That doesn't make it any better.
Especially not when it comes to my grandfather.
He's the kind of person who makes me forget about things like mortality,
because I don't ever see him not being alive.
In a way, I guess I've always clung to that silly childish notion that he would live forever.
But it's always made sense to me that he would live forever, even now that I'm an adult, which makes it even more childish.
Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to think that he won't ever die.
Rationally, I know he will one day.
But beyond rationality, I never thought he would.
And now I'm reminded that he won't.
Apparently he's doing fine now, which means he may not die tomorrow, or next week, or even next month,
but at some point, he will.

I think when that day does come,
I will miss his stories and his smile/laughter the most.
He has the friendliest smile and the most heartfelt laugh.
But man, he can be great with sarcasm... which I also love, because for me, it's unexpected.
And the way he winks at people. He winks at everyone.
He even infected my brother with it--Joel goes around winking at people all the time,
only he does it in that cartoonish, dramatic, sarcastic kind of way, which makes it funnier.
When my grandfather does it, it's so quick and subtle,
that you might think it was an uncontrollable reflex or something.

I cried at work when Mom told me.
Even though she'd already said he was fine.
I cried.
I don't ever cry at work.
Work is just not the kind of place where I display my personal problems in any way, shape or form (unless I'm on break, talking to Michelle of course),
least of all by crying.
But I did. And it was almost painful.

It's coming up on the one-year "anniversary" of my promotion at work.
I can't believe I've been a supervisor at that place for almost a full year already.
Which means I've been there for almost two years.
Around a year and seven months now.
I never thought I'd be there this long, truthfully.
And now I'm getting the health insurance.
Sigh.

20 days.
What's sad is, I'm more excited about my countdown to the day I can file my taxes.
In which case, 8 days.
But seriously, how pathetic is that.