i've got nothing left to lose but my memories of you,

My hand is all kinds of messed up.
I can't even make a fist and it hurts to type.
Ugh.

My child is making me mad right now,
because he refuses to sleep or listen to a word I say to him.
And I'm tired and I'm trying to go to bed but I keep having to get out of bed to deal with him
and he doesn't seem to get it,
that a cranky mommy is way worse than a cranky toddler.
Ha.


I cried today,
for the first time in a long time.
I screamed at the top of my lungs. I've been wanting to do that for a while.
It felt good I guess,
but then it led to my hand going retarded.
And when I say going retarded, I mean I tried to beat up my car.
It didn't work in my favor.
But what else was I supposed to do, just sit there and scream and cry like a crazy person?
Ha.

Lately it just feels like everything is going wrong all at once,
and then just when I think things start to get better for one second,
I realize I was totally and completely wrong.
And then I cry.
About my friends,
about work, my mom, being broke,
the fact that I keep finding myself attracted to people who just give me MORE problems,
my son,
life in general being a big pain in the ass,
and just.. everything.
That's what I did today.
I cried about everything.
It felt pretty nice to let it out though,
because I've been holding that shit in for a while.
Honestly I've been holding that shit in for so long that I thought I was going to snap if I held it in for one more second.


And then I come home today
and my apartment's been torn apart,
room by room,
and I just go insane
all over again.
And now I can't even sit in a room
without looking over my shoulder a million times.


My birthday is in 3 days.
Big fucking deal.

there's no better cure for me than this,

Soooo,
had a date for tomorrow night,
but I think it's been cancelled. :(
I say I think, because I can't tell if it's definite or not,
but who knows.
It's cancelled for a damn good reason and all,
but I'm still kinda sad about it cuz I was looking forward to it all week.

And trust me when I say,
this has been one long miserable week.
Especially today.
I've had a total of four hours of sleep in the last two nights.
And that four hours was all from the night before last.
Sooo I'm a little exhausted,
slightly delirious,
but the only thing that kept me going through work today
was how excited I was about tomorrow!
Blah.

Oh well.
Hopefully it's just postponed and not cancelled indefinitely.
That would kinda blow.


Last night I figured out some pretty disturbing information.
I'm a fucking idiot for being surprised.
Really, I am.

i won't go getting tired of you,

I've waited over four years for this.
At this moment, I'm ridiculously happy.


Until I start thinking about that nagging thing
that's been pissing me off all night.
Hmm...
But I won't go into that now.
I'm far too happy to do that!!!!

well he came home from the war with a party in his head,

Tom Waits makes me happy.


Apparently the reason I'm still in pain
is because a tooth got knocked loose this weekend!
S U P E R !
I wondered why my jaw was still throbbing three days later...
I'd keep ignoring it like I usually do,
but it really effing hurts.
Soooo I think I'll be giving my dentist a call this week.
Sometime.
So anyway, my mouth hurts so bad I can't sleep.
And it's now 2:15.
Sigh.
Unfortunately, I can't really blame this on my tooth.

I've always been an insomniac, with or without my teeth being in place.


14 days.
2 days until I can file my taxes. bwahahaha.
Now THAT'S exciting... well, not really the act of filing your taxes, because that's actually quite lame.
But getting the money?
Yeah, it's a beautiful thing.


I've decided that House's theory that "everybody lies," is my new favorite philosophy.
It's simple, it's true, and if you believe it,
then you don't have to be disappointed when someone lies to you!
House really IS a genius.

I think I'm going to stop writing in this thing until I have something interesting to say.
Maybe in a month or so, I'll at least have enough stories to make up one long interesting blog.
Sigh.

and i'm on fire,

If I learned anything last night,
it's that I am never.ever.getting married.
It's too hard and far too messy.
And someone,
whether it be one of the married ones,
or an outsider,
will end up getting hurt.
Almost every single time.
And I'm not big into doing anything for "almosts."


I've never felt so alone in my entire fucking life.
I'm not going to go into it on a public blog,
because if I want to document my experience at my mother's house last night,
I'll post a private one.
I might be angry, but I still don't intend to ruin his life, should this ever somehow get read by anyone who mattered in that respect.
If I wanted to ruin his life, I'd hunt him down.
But I'm not.

Anyway, on the one hand, I have my best friend that I can easily talk to about it,
although I'm pretty sure I've already said anything to her that there was to say about the situation.
But on the other, she has her own problems right now.
I might like talking about my problems with my friends to get them off my chest and/or to get input from them,
but I'm not big on hauling my problems off onto other people when they have their own shit to deal with.
Obviously I can't talk to my mother.
I can talk to my father, but what's the point, I'll just make him angry.
And I don't really think I can handle seeing/feeling much more anger today, or tomorrow, or the next day.

I don't know what I'm so upset about.
The whole thing was my fault anyway.
It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't reacted the way I did.
I should've just taken a breath, calmed down, and backed away.
But I didn't, and he knew I wouldn't.
He was just waiting for it.
Any excuse.
And I gave him one.
Because I'm an idiot.


In other news,
apparently one of my "friends" seems to think I'm an idiot as well,
because he thinks I'm too stupid to know when I'm being lied to.
Unfortunately, he's too stupid to realize that when he lies to me,
I'm gonna hear about it.
Especially when he mentions anything involving the truth (whatever that is to him, who even knows at this point) to my best friends.
Seriously?
After two years you'd think he'd get it.
Don't keep shit from me but tell my best friends.
It might not get back to me right away,
but it will at some point.

And at that point (which we've now come to),
I will officially stop caring about you.
I'm done.

am i part of your collection,

So, last night my dad and my stepmom came over and brought dinner from Albasha.
God I love Greek food.

My dad actually makes me really happy when he comes over.
He always looks like he's so proud of me, and he talks about it too.
For example:
Last night, Travis ate too much way too fast,
started jumping around and playing, etc.,
and ended up throwing up a little on the floor.
So what did I do?
I jumped up, walked him to the bathroom,
washed his hands and his face,
brushed his teeth,
and cleaned up the floor.
No big deal.

My father thought this was amazing.
He said, "My daughter has a son who just threw up, and she's just taking care of it like it's no big deal!"
He's such a dork.
But he always finds something like that, every time he comes over.
Something so small to me because it's part of everyday life,
and it's huge to him because it's his daughter who's the grown-up in this house.

Whereas my mother has never shown me more than an ounce of her pride in me
since the day Travis was born.


Anywho.
Time to finish getting dressed so I can go hang out with the Chuckifer!
I think I'll be stopping by Starbucks or Circle K for a coffee.
I'm exhausted and I've been dragging all day.
And now the stupid woman at Walgreens won't let me pick up my prescription until tomorrow after 1:00.
Soooo I'll be drinking coffee and Red Bull tonight!
Not together, of course.

Ew.

I support capital punishment, but that ain't no lethal injection.

I totally also posted this on my Myspace.


Poor Oscar Grant.
Pulling out a taser gun my fucking ass.
You mean to tell me that when he was going for his taser he ACCIDENTALLY pulled out his gun, disengaged the safety, aimed it right at the guy and fired?
Seriously?

Because I'm pretty sure it's hard to confuse ALL OF THOSE ACTIONS that it takes to shoot someone,
with pulling out your fucking taser.
Besides, why the FUCK did he need to taser him to begin with?
Let me guess, he was giving him lip?
Cuz you can see it right there in this fuckin video, he wasn't DOING anything.
And he was fucking handcuffed.

Tell me what you think. See for yourself.

By the way, I cried after I watched this.
This really is the clearest video so far of the whole thing.
Johannes Mehserle, maybe you should be publicly executed too.
You know, by accident.
Just sayin.

the moment i wanna relax is when the shit kicks in but--

Apparently my grandfather had a stroke last night.
My mom told me this on the phone when I was at work.
She said so far all the tests they've done were coming back normal,
so as of right now, he's going to be fine.
She talked to him, she said he sounds fine.
But I'm not fine.
It reminds me that he's getting old.
It reminds me that one day, he's going to die.
How childish that sounds.
Of course he's going to die one day, yes, we all do.
That doesn't make it any better.
Especially not when it comes to my grandfather.
He's the kind of person who makes me forget about things like mortality,
because I don't ever see him not being alive.
In a way, I guess I've always clung to that silly childish notion that he would live forever.
But it's always made sense to me that he would live forever, even now that I'm an adult, which makes it even more childish.
Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to think that he won't ever die.
Rationally, I know he will one day.
But beyond rationality, I never thought he would.
And now I'm reminded that he won't.
Apparently he's doing fine now, which means he may not die tomorrow, or next week, or even next month,
but at some point, he will.

I think when that day does come,
I will miss his stories and his smile/laughter the most.
He has the friendliest smile and the most heartfelt laugh.
But man, he can be great with sarcasm... which I also love, because for me, it's unexpected.
And the way he winks at people. He winks at everyone.
He even infected my brother with it--Joel goes around winking at people all the time,
only he does it in that cartoonish, dramatic, sarcastic kind of way, which makes it funnier.
When my grandfather does it, it's so quick and subtle,
that you might think it was an uncontrollable reflex or something.

I cried at work when Mom told me.
Even though she'd already said he was fine.
I cried.
I don't ever cry at work.
Work is just not the kind of place where I display my personal problems in any way, shape or form (unless I'm on break, talking to Michelle of course),
least of all by crying.
But I did. And it was almost painful.

It's coming up on the one-year "anniversary" of my promotion at work.
I can't believe I've been a supervisor at that place for almost a full year already.
Which means I've been there for almost two years.
Around a year and seven months now.
I never thought I'd be there this long, truthfully.
And now I'm getting the health insurance.
Sigh.

20 days.
What's sad is, I'm more excited about my countdown to the day I can file my taxes.
In which case, 8 days.
But seriously, how pathetic is that.

listen to the boulevard,

Good grief, how I love Dr. House.
And how I hate.hate.hate insomnia.
Sigh.

It's time for a change.
I'm going to start on the outside and work my way in.
Mostly because I've decided to take a Cher Horowitz approach to this and say that makeovers do the body/heart/mind good, as well as the face and hair.
Yes, I've decided to be superficial.
I'm okay with it.

I'm finally going to get rid of this black shit in my hair.
Or, I'm going to attempt to anyway.
Heh. That's the fun part.
The fun part after that is, trying to find a color light enough to put over it that WON'T turn it back to black,
but also won't look like shit.
Sigh.

I'm just sick of looking at it.
I'm hoping that finally fixing my hair will make me want to change the rest of me,
starting with this god forsaken INSOMNIA.

I'm going to try to stay up all night.
If I go to sleep now, I risk not hearing my alarm clock, because this is now the fifth night in a row to get four hours of sleep or less,
and after a while, it catches up to ya and you sleep like a fucking rock.

Sigh.
I hate you, insomnia.

in the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more--

I kinda like HIM's version of that song better.

Anywho, so 23 more days.
And I've already gotten my W-2, so once the IRS stops being a bag of douche on the 16th, I can file my taxes online. Yay.
I was gonna do it tonight but apparently they aren't processing any of them until the 16th, but some websites will let you file them now, and they'll basically submit it for you on that day.
WTF.
So gay.
I want my money nowwwww!

So, Hollywood Undead is coming to New Orleans on March 23rd and to Dallas on March 25th.
I REALLY want to go, but both of those days are in the middle of the week,
and apparently we're going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras next month?
Okeydokey, I'm cool with that.
But I want to do both!
Meh.
But Justin is the only person I know who's even heard of H.U. (before I started shoving them down my friends' throats anyway) and likes them,
and he said he can't go.
Travis likes what I've made him listen to of theirs,
but I haven't asked him yet because I don't want to go with like one other person.
It's only fun with a bunch of people and apparently no one else can go.
Meh.
Laaaaame.
If only these awesome bands could come HERE.
Ugh. Bastards.

It's only Monday and I'm ready for the weekend.
This is gonna be a looong week. Damnit.

i think i'm moving but i go nowhere,

Here's the thing:
2009 started three days ago and I made no New Year's resolutions like everyone else.
I jokingly told a friend that this was because I'm already so awesome, I didn't see the need to promise myself to change something about me.
Half-jokingly, at least.
The part of me that was serious, well, that is sort of implied.
That part of me believes that I truly don't need to change anything.
The part of me that was joking thinks that I don't see the need to promise myself to change something that I know I'm not going to change,
because I can make New Year's resolutions all day and night for the next week,
but come December 31st, 2009 at 11:59 PM, I won't have accomplished any of them,
nor will I even remember what they were.
But the truth is,
that part of me that really was joking about me being THAT awesome,
if I thought I'd actually do it,
I'd change
everything.

Here's the OTHER thing.
In 24 days, I'll turn 21 years old.
Yeah, it's exciting.
But I'm terrified.
I consider myself to generally be a fairly strong person,
but I'm not big on principles,
nor am I ALWAYS very strong-willed.
I'm horrified of turning 21 and making myself broke.
Seriously.
It might sound silly, but I'm afraid of it.
For example,
on a night when Travis might be staying the night at Mom's house,
if none of my friends are doing anything and I don't want to sit at home by myself on a Saturday night,
what will I do?
I'll go out, to a bar, or at least go somewhere,
and I'll drink all night.
That's one of the reasons why I've always been glad I wasn't 21,
is because whatever party I was at,
whatever drinks I had there at that party,
that was it.
Because I couldn't go out and buy more.
But now, I'll be able to buy them until I drop dead if I choose to (which I wouldn't, but I thought I'd go with a sweeping dramatic statement to make my point),
and then what if I wake up the next morning and have not only spent any cash I had on me when I got there,
and then I realize that I also drunkenly took out a hefty chunk of my bank account from an ATM because I met a cute guy and I wanted to buy HIS drinks instead of flirting with him until he bought mine, or because I met a cute guy that wasn't interested so I felt like drinking away the irritation of rejection.
Sigh.
Looks like my credit card will have to stay at home on those evenings.

But let's just say I were to make New Year's resolutions.
That would be one of them--to make sure I don't go crazy.
Am I going to go nuts at my birthday celebration? Yes.
Am I going to spend all my money? No--and I'm able to say no to THAT one with actual conviction because I'm preparing myself for that specific event.
And also because tax return time will be right around the corner from then.
See, I'm doing it already. I'm becoming an enabler.
For a problem that doesn't exist yet.
And I'm enabling MYSELF.
How pathetic.
Cuddy must be rubbing off on me.
Yes, I've been watching House.

Another one would be to make sure I pay all my bills on time.
To learn more patience at work AND outside of work.
To try to regain some faith in humanity (although that one would never happen anyway).
To stop being such an asshole. Again, at work AND outside of it.
To go see my aunt more often, because it makes her sad when Mom goes to visit her and I don't go with her.
To save more money, although in my defense, that's now going to be even more difficult, what with a huge chunk of my paycheck beginning to go towards health insurance that I've never had to pay for until now.
To take better care of my car (poor Melba Toast, she hates me).
To allow myself to make more friends (I've never been good at extending my circle very far).
To NOT drop another phone in hot chocolate--better yet, to just not damage a phone at all, all year.

Sigh.

Oh, and to get this fucking black dye out of my hair,
go back to brown,
and LEAVE the black out of it.
I'd say and to just leave it alone and not dye it all year, but I KNOW that wouldn't happen.
I might be able to promise myself not to dye it black again though.

I'll pick a few of the ones off that list and call it a day.
But it's still unofficial anyway.

like a hot noise,

Today has been fairly productive.
Travis went to Mom's to play with Joel for a couple hours.
I did laundry, took down the Christmas tree, paid bills... and am now broke, but at least I paid everything I needed to.

Or, well, except for Honda.
But I get paid on the 15th and they'll have to wait until then.
Luckily tax return time is coming up soon, so I'll give them a whole bunch of money and they can suck it for a couple months before bothering me again.

New Year's Eve was pretty fun.
At least I didn't end up sitting at home.
But it was definitely strange seeing all those people I went to highschool with.
A couple of them I've known since middle school.
It was fun though.
Until some drunk-ass retard decided to drive into the gas line on the side of the house.
Sigh.
Soooo we left.

Apparently there's a new I Hate Sami club that my friends keep joining.
Supposedly when you join, you get some pretty rad shirts and hats and whatnot.
I could use some new clothes, maybe I'll become a member.