and i'm on fire,

If I learned anything last night,
it's that I am never.ever.getting married.
It's too hard and far too messy.
And someone,
whether it be one of the married ones,
or an outsider,
will end up getting hurt.
Almost every single time.
And I'm not big into doing anything for "almosts."


I've never felt so alone in my entire fucking life.
I'm not going to go into it on a public blog,
because if I want to document my experience at my mother's house last night,
I'll post a private one.
I might be angry, but I still don't intend to ruin his life, should this ever somehow get read by anyone who mattered in that respect.
If I wanted to ruin his life, I'd hunt him down.
But I'm not.

Anyway, on the one hand, I have my best friend that I can easily talk to about it,
although I'm pretty sure I've already said anything to her that there was to say about the situation.
But on the other, she has her own problems right now.
I might like talking about my problems with my friends to get them off my chest and/or to get input from them,
but I'm not big on hauling my problems off onto other people when they have their own shit to deal with.
Obviously I can't talk to my mother.
I can talk to my father, but what's the point, I'll just make him angry.
And I don't really think I can handle seeing/feeling much more anger today, or tomorrow, or the next day.

I don't know what I'm so upset about.
The whole thing was my fault anyway.
It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't reacted the way I did.
I should've just taken a breath, calmed down, and backed away.
But I didn't, and he knew I wouldn't.
He was just waiting for it.
Any excuse.
And I gave him one.
Because I'm an idiot.


In other news,
apparently one of my "friends" seems to think I'm an idiot as well,
because he thinks I'm too stupid to know when I'm being lied to.
Unfortunately, he's too stupid to realize that when he lies to me,
I'm gonna hear about it.
Especially when he mentions anything involving the truth (whatever that is to him, who even knows at this point) to my best friends.
Seriously?
After two years you'd think he'd get it.
Don't keep shit from me but tell my best friends.
It might not get back to me right away,
but it will at some point.

And at that point (which we've now come to),
I will officially stop caring about you.
I'm done.