will the silence drown you too--

I've never felt like such an incredible douche bag in all of my life.
Seriously.


I had my six-month performance review at work today.
I did well on this one too, thank God.
I would've been pissed if I didn't do as well as I did last time.
One of the only spots I got points taken off was, basically, because I need to show more compassion for my employees.
I laughed.
She's right, I do--but it was just funny to hear.
It's not that I'm without compassion.
I'm not entirely FULL of it either, but I lack it more at work than I do away from work.
Because I have that mentality like, "Seriously, I don't care what your problem is. Do your damn job."
Hence why I'm an off-the-chart D at work (thanks Kip).

Compassion AND common sense (and being human) tells me that we all have problems.
Money problems, problems with kids, spouses, (in)significant others, car troubles, getting evicted, dropping your phone in hot chocolate (what kind of moron...?), whatever.
I have all those problems too.
But I don't bring my problems to work.
Do I think about them? All day, of course I do.
Do I let them affect my job? If I ever have, I could count the number of times I've done it on one hand.
I'm not saying that makes me a better employee or it makes me superboss, because it doesn't.
It just means that people who share that in common with me, our brains are wired differently.
Our brains are wired to tell us, "Hey, you're at work--forget your personal bullshit for the next eight hours."
Well, for me personally, it's more like, "Either forget it, or let it help you work harder."
I have compassion for these same every-day problems.
I HAVE these same every-day problems.
I just don't show the compassion for them often.
Because nine times out of ten in the past when I've shown more compassion than I do now for people's personal problems (at work),
it ends up working against me and I get walked on.
I will not be walked on. Not by anyone.
Not at work, not outside of it.

So does that make me seem cold sometimes? Yes. It does.
Do I do it just so for the fun of being that way? Hell no.
I do it because I honestly think it's the better solution.
I'd like to think that my people know that I'm not completely ice-cold.
I joke with them, I laugh with them, I talk to them about things other than work--just not for very long.
Most of them know that though, I'm pretty sure, if not all of them.
Most of them do know that yes, I care about them and I do like talking and joking with them, but that when it comes down to it, I have to get back to work so don't keep me talking for too long or I'll start to get bitchy.
But you know, when the situation calls for it, I hit the switch that turns on the compassion wires in my brain.
And then I turn them back off as soon as I can after the situation has been dealt with, because too much stimulation of my compassionate circuits will cause my brain to fry.

Kidding.

Sorta.