for tonight, you're only here to know.

for we are all that is left,

2009-03-12T23:10:00.002-05:00

I'm done with blogging for a while.
For now, I'm going back to keeping my shit on my computer, just for me.
At least then I can be honest... or at least try to be.

i'm soooo fickle.

2009-02-28T01:17:00.000-06:00

i like tumblr so much better.

http://samifordictator.tumblr.com

no seriously.

it's way cooler.

sorry.

and i can't tell if you're laughing,

2009-02-18T00:02:00.003-06:00

I'm re-reading the whole Watchmen series.
It's been over a decade since I read it.
It's making me happy all over again now.

Chuck and Travis were talking about the movie coming out, like a month or so ago,
when it was just the three of us hanging out,
drinking, watching TV.
And at that point, I was half-drunk, half-asleep, because I was exhausted,
so I hadn't really been paying attention,
until Chuck said something to me,
and the only part of the sentence I heard was something about graphic novels,
and he had a book in his hand,
and I tried going back and re-listening to the conversation in my head,
but I couldn't figure it out.
And since I was half-asleep (let's not forget half-drunk as well),
it didn't occur to me to just ask him what the hell he was talking about.
So all I said was something about Sin City and then I went back to watching Zack and Miri Make a Porno, and trying not to fall asleep because I really wanted to watch it.

But, I think now (although I could be mistaken),
he was trying to tell me I should read Watchmen,
in which case,
Chuck! I have!
A little over ten years ago!!
Haha.
Actually, I only read 11 of the issues.
I had to skip number 11, because it wasn't there.
So that one will be a first for me tonight.

My mom and I were in some bookstore when we were living in Dallas,
I don't even remember where we were,
I just know we were there for a long time.
Maybe not so long though, because this WAS back when I was a retardedly fast reader.

But what I do know is,
the amount of time we spent in that bookstore,
was the first time I realized I was a total nerd.

I spent the entire time reading Watchmen.

I was just walking around, didn't feel like walking with Mom because she was looking at books for her class to read,
and I saw it.
Actually, I only saw a few of them,
they weren't all together.
But the ones I saw just in passing, for some reason I was intrigued.
And I figured, hey, I've got nothing else to do.
So I sat on the floor and read.
And then I had to search for about ten minutes after I finished the 5th or 6th issue so I could find the rest.
But they didn't have 11.
Sigh. I hate skipping things.

Anywho,
I was hooked from the first sentence.
Not only that, but here's how I know that I really AM a total nerd
(besides the fact that I was like a nine or ten year old girl sitting alone in a bookstore reading Watchmen, come on, really);
What really makes me a nerd,
is that The Comedian was my first love.
Sigh.
Besides Zack Morris anyway, but that's inevitable.

Yep, my first love was an illustration.
What a goob I was/am.

He made sense to me though.
Even though I was only 9 or 10 (probably closer to 10, but I can't remember exactly when this was),
he made more sense to me than any of the other superheroes in there,
and he certainly made WAY more sense to me than any character on TV,
or God forbid, anyone in real life.
He saw the world for what it really was.
And he had a sense of humor about it.
Well, a bit of a twisted one, but looking at myself now, I see why I appreciated it so much even then.
And besides, I always do fall for the drunk and disorderly ones who are obnoxious and, well, ME.
And I just knew in my heart that if I were the girl having his baby,
he wouldn't have shot me.
Because I wouldn't have stabbed him.
And we would have lived happily ever after, once I turned 18. :)

So really, in essence,
Jeffrey Dean Morgan playing The Comedian
IS THE BEST THING EVERRRRRRR.

I have NO DOUBT that the movie is going to be amazing,
and I know that my man Denny Duquette is NOT going to disappoint me in the role of my first true love.
Sigh.

I couldn't be more excited for March 6th.
I don't care if I have to go see it by myself.
I WILL see it. IN THEATERS.
Screw your HD TV Chuck,
some things just have to be seen in theaters and not at home.
:)
Transformers was one,
Live Free or Die Hard was another,
and now Watchmen.

Oh yes.
I'm ready.

And I think I've done enough public blogging about my nerdiness for one day.
Now I must go read #11 so that everything finally makes sense.
Bwahahahaha.

the jetset life is gonna kill you.

2009-02-15T16:34:00.003-06:00

Went to Lafayette last night.
Drove back today.
Had to force myself to not run my car into a ditch on purpose.
Then had to force myself not to run my car into a ditch by accident, because I kept falling asleep.

I've been hating life a lot lately.
And I have no one to talk to about it.

And then my mom went and took my cats and my dog to the shelter without telling me first.
Thanks for the icing on the cake, Mom.
But for future reference, I prefer vanilla icing.
Not this kind.

We've had those animals since I was a little girl.
Every time I think about it, I want to cry,
but I can't.

Whatever.
Fuck life, it's the best.

i remembered your name from before, but now i'm living in the after.

2009-02-13T00:34:00.002-06:00

I almost walked out on my job today.
I've never been so angry all at once with that place.

This isn't me being picky.
This isn't me being a jackass.
This isn't me not wanting to try to make a "relationship" work.

This is me being taken advantage of at my job.
This is me dealing with how unprofessional things are at my job.
This is me being disrespected, underappreciated, and completely pissed off at my job.

I officially hate that place.

Oh, and then I went to fill my prescription today,
and the LOVELY new insurance that I just got in January THROUGH MY LOVELY JOB,
doesn't cover a DIME of it.
Not one cent.
It cost $205.89.

The whole reason I got the damn insurance was because of my prescription.
I rarely get sick, and when I do, I hardly go to the doctor because I hate going to the doctor.
So the ENTIRE purpose of me getting the insurance through work was because of my stupid fucking prescription.
And it doesn't cover a cent.
I'm losing 100 bucks a paycheck now,
for nothing.

I might as well drop the insurance and use that 100 bucks I gain back to go towards the full price of the prescription.

But actually,
I'm just going to drop the insurance and switch to generic.
It'll only be about 63 bucks a month for the generic.

So fuck you, HealthPlus.
I'm so not surprised that THAT'S the insurance my job offers.

What a fucking waste.

the diamonds in your fire burning like a flame inside of you,

2009-02-12T01:14:00.003-06:00

I've been sick of work for a while now.
But I was dealing with it because, well, I've been there for a year and a half now,
and I'm sort of a habitually picky person.
And when I say sort of,
I mean incredibly.

Here's the pattern:

I break up with people I'm dating once I start to really get to know them,
because I pick them apart.
I put them under the microscope,
and I zoom the lens in as far as it will go.
And I look at each and every cell as closely as I can,
inspecting it for disease.
And because I'm a habitually picky person,
I find a disease on at least 50% of their cells.
If it were anyone else using the same microscope,
they wouldn't find nearly as many damaged cells as I do.
Because that's what I do.
And because I'm a jackass,
I let the damaged cells destroy the good ones like a fucking virus is attacking them.

OK, that's enough with the scientific metaphors.
But the point is,
I let every one of their flaws irritate the shit out of me until I can't take it anymore,
they annoy me,
and I make them leave.
I either make them want to leave me, or I leave them.

So, I don't think it's irrational for me to be 99.9% certain that that's what I was doing about my job when I first started hating it.
It just so happens that because I'm good at my job,
I've liked it for longer than I've ever liked anyone I've dated,
so it took longer than a few months for me to start putting my job under the microscope.
Therefore, I thought to myself,
"Self, you're being a jackass again. Let's see if you're just being stupid and picky and if this will blow over."
If only I had the ability to say that to myself in a relationship.
But whatever.
The point I'm trying to make is,
it's NOT blowing over.
I'm exhausted physically and mentally because of my job.
My job is not the thing that is causing this exhaustion firsthand.
It's how annoyed I am with my job and ALL the parts of it (and I do mean ALL).
My irritation with my work is making me tired.
Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.

But what sucks is,
I don't actually HATE my job. I'm just annoyed.
I really do like my job.
I like what I do.
But I'm just so sick of the bullshit that goes on day after day.
People come to me with all kinds of questions (and I don't mean the people in my department, because they're supposed to ask me questions),
about things that have NOTHING to do with my job or my department,
but they still assume that I have the answers to them.
And what really sucks is,
I do.
90% of the time, I can answer the questions that have virtually nothing to do with me or my department.
If I didn't know the answers,
they'd probably stop asking.
I've thought about telling people that from now on: "I don't know."
But because of who I am, I can't do that.
I can't not answer a question that I DO know the answer to.
I can't fail on purpose.
I'm a strong enough and reasonable enough person that if I fail at something because I made a stupid mistake or I didn't try hard enough,
I can accept that failure, and I can learn from it.
Or if I fail at something after trying my hardest to succeed,
and I still fail,
I either accept the failure and learn from it,
or I start over and try again.
I cannot fail on purpose.
Purposefully failing at ANYTHING seems ridiculous to me.
So no, I can't just NOT answer these questions that I do know the answers to.
Not only that, but because I'm such a CURIOUS person,
the ones I DON'T know the answers to,
I have to find out the answers to them and then give them the answers.
Actually I think that's a combination of my curiosity and my unwillingness to not have the correct goddamn answer.
But hey.

I'm just tired of it all.
I'm tired of these ridiculous mistakes that are being made,
I'm tired of basically being taken advantage of as far as my paycheck is concerned because I was supposed to get a raise two paychecks ago and still haven't,
and I shouldn't have to put up with that shit.
No one who deserves a raise should have to put up with not seeing their raise,
and if they DO have to put up with it due to a human error,
it should be corrected.
My mom asked me if I'd get retroactive pay to go back to when I should've gotten it.
I told her I sincerely doubted it.
She got irritated and asked why.
And I told her because that's just not something I can see happening up there.
It really isn't.

I'm not saying I'm this like super amazing employee,
or an amazing supervisor,
or anything like that.
I'm saying I'm good at my job because I know my job and I know how to do it.
I'm saying I'm a smart person.
I'm saying I bust my ASS up there and when I get a good score on a performance review and I'm supposed to have a raise,
it PISSES ME OFF when I don't get it at the time I was supposed to.
Michelle and I both work our fucking asses off up there.
We put up with so much shit that most people don't even know we put up with.
We do WAY more than we should for our employees,
we are both good at what we do,
and we both get basically nothing for it.
And I am SO not saying that the other supervisors don't put up with a lot of shit.
Because we all do.
And I'm sure they have to deal with getting nothing to show for their hard work too.
But all I personally know about is me and Michelle.

But it shouldn't be any of us.

you took me home i drank too much,

2009-02-03T01:17:00.004-06:00

I ordered a book online tonight.
It's called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.
The title alone made me think of myself.
And then I read the little description of it on Amazon,
and it R E A L L Y reminded me of myself.
So I had to have it.
Because that's what a narcissist does.

I chopped off all my hair.
A quick note to my future self:
DON'T BLEACH YOUR HAIR AND THEN PROCEED TO DYE IT TWO DAYS LATER!
You will deeply regret this decision, self.
Better yet,
don't dye your hair black ever again unless it's short enough that you can just let the black grow out.
Or if you're willing to dye it black for the rest of your life,
which normally,
I would be (considering it's my fall-back color because it looks good and covers up any mistakes)
but SINCE I am so fond of changing my hair color every few months,
black is not a good idea.
Not now that I know my hair really ISN'T indestructible.

Seriously though,
I didn't realize how long my hair was
until
it was all
lying
on the floor.
About five inches or so.
And now
I think I have about four inches of hair.
OK, maybe more than that.
In some areas.
Eh, I'm not good at estimating sizes.

Well, actually...
Nah, nevermind.
I'll leave that one alone. It's too easy.

Travis is coming over either tomorrow or Wednesday to watch the first two episodes of that new show Trust Me.
Yeah, maybe I am retarded for trying so hard to stay "close" to him.
Or, maybe everyone else should just fuck off.
I like that better.
If my two options are either I'm retarded or the world can go to hell,
I think I'll pick the world's fate over admitting my retardation any day.

Really though.
First of all, movies, TV, music,
this is how he and I bond.
This is what we stay close about.
Not personal shit.
Is it a messed up friendship?
Absolutely.
Would I have it any other way?
Maybe some things.
But do I want to have the kind of friendship with him that, say, Becca and I have?
That Michelle and I have?
The kind where I talk to him about anything and everything I can think of?
No.
He doesn't want to know everything about me.
And there are things I don't want him to know.
I like things the way they are.
Do I wish he took a slightly larger active interest in me,
in the way that, oh I don't know, say MY BIRTHDAY
was a priority to him?
Yes, I do.
But that's how he is,
that's how he and I operate.
And at the end of the day (on most days),
I'm okay with it.
I still love him.
He's still my favorite person to laugh with.
And he's still, and will always be,
the one I end up staying up laughing with at a party
way past the time the sun comes up and everyone else has gone to bed.

And that's really all I ask for.

I don't feel like sleeping.
And I chopped off all my damn hair.
Sigh.

now let me make it right,

2009-02-01T07:44:00.002-06:00

Last night was my birthday celebration night.
Or, it was supposed to be.
It ended up feeling like I was the anti-christ and I was coming to crash God's party or something.
Like, we went to Phoenix,
yeah,
that would've been cool ANY other fucking weekend.
But this particular weekend was my birthday celebration.
And Travis wasn't there.
Yeah, he's a fucking dick for going to Amber's and not out with me,
yes, he completely is, and I'm still pissed about it,
but I wasn't going to convince him to come out with us.
And I need Travis there for my birthday.
I just do.
I remember when Ben got so frustrated with me a couple years back for my 19th birthday and I was so upset that I thought Travis wasn't coming but then he ended up surprising me when he got off work and Ben was even more frustrated because then when Travis got there I was so excited and happy in a way that he couldn't do for me, and he told me that, this isn't me speaking for his thoughts.
We had a long talk about it the next day, I remember it very well.
Travis is just someone I have to spend my birthday with.
Period paragraph.

It wasn't that I didn't want to be with Becca and Chuck, I wanted to be with them more than anything,
but the fact of the matter is,
I couldn't be happy at Phoenix knowing it was to celebrate MY birthday and MY Travis wasn't there.
So I gave in,
and I went running in his direction again,
like always,
instead of making him run to me.

The reason I go running in his direction
instead of waiting to see if he runs in mine,
is because
I know
he won't
run anywhere near me.

And it would break my goddamn heart.
So I'd just rather do all the work
and think that he's my best MALE friend in the world
than wait for him to come running
and realize that he could care less about me.

I'm okay with it the way it is.
It's been this way for a long time now and I'm fine with it.
Most of the time.
Except on my birthday.

But,
at any rate,
no one really wanted me to be at Amber's,
or if they did, they had a really strange way of showing it.
Fuck them,
it didn't even bother me though,
I had a blast by inserting myself into other people's conversations
(especially when it made them uncomfortable,
that was the best)
and entertaining myself.

Oh and by the way,
I'm not a stupid slut,
you don't GET to call me a stupid slut.
You didn't want to date me.
So you aren't allowed to call me names
or be mad about me supposedly standing you up.

I don't have time for this shit.

i've got nothing left to lose but my memories of you,

2009-01-25T22:00:00.004-06:00

My hand is all kinds of messed up.
I can't even make a fist and it hurts to type.
Ugh.

My child is making me mad right now,
because he refuses to sleep or listen to a word I say to him.
And I'm tired and I'm trying to go to bed but I keep having to get out of bed to deal with him
and he doesn't seem to get it,
that a cranky mommy is way worse than a cranky toddler.
Ha.

I cried today,
for the first time in a long time.
I screamed at the top of my lungs. I've been wanting to do that for a while.
It felt good I guess,
but then it led to my hand going retarded.
And when I say going retarded, I mean I tried to beat up my car.
It didn't work in my favor.
But what else was I supposed to do, just sit there and scream and cry like a crazy person?
Ha.

Lately it just feels like everything is going wrong all at once,
and then just when I think things start to get better for one second,
I realize I was totally and completely wrong.
And then I cry.
About my friends,
about work, my mom, being broke,
the fact that I keep finding myself attracted to people who just give me MORE problems,
my son,
life in general being a big pain in the ass,
and just.. everything.
That's what I did today.
I cried about everything.
It felt pretty nice to let it out though,
because I've been holding that shit in for a while.
Honestly I've been holding that shit in for so long that I thought I was going to snap if I held it in for one more second.

And then I come home today
and my apartment's been torn apart,
room by room,
and I just go insane
all over again.
And now I can't even sit in a room
without looking over my shoulder a million times.

My birthday is in 3 days.
Big fucking deal.

there's no better cure for me than this,

2009-01-23T21:02:00.002-06:00

Soooo,
had a date for tomorrow night,
but I think it's been cancelled. :(
I say I think, because I can't tell if it's definite or not,
but who knows.
It's cancelled for a damn good reason and all,
but I'm still kinda sad about it cuz I was looking forward to it all week.

And trust me when I say,
this has been one long miserable week.
Especially today.
I've had a total of four hours of sleep in the last two nights.
And that four hours was all from the night before last.
Sooo I'm a little exhausted,
slightly delirious,
but the only thing that kept me going through work today
was how excited I was about tomorrow!
Blah.

Oh well.
Hopefully it's just postponed and not cancelled indefinitely.
That would kinda blow.

Last night I figured out some pretty disturbing information.
I'm a fucking idiot for being surprised.
Really, I am.

i won't go getting tired of you,

2009-01-21T22:56:00.002-06:00

I've waited over four years for this.
At this moment, I'm ridiculously happy.

Until I start thinking about that nagging thing
that's been pissing me off all night.
Hmm...
But I won't go into that now.
I'm far too happy to do that!!!!

well he came home from the war with a party in his head,

2009-01-14T02:10:00.004-06:00

Tom Waits makes me happy.

Apparently the reason I'm still in pain
is because a tooth got knocked loose this weekend!
S U P E R !
I wondered why my jaw was still throbbing three days later...
I'd keep ignoring it like I usually do,
but it really effing hurts.
Soooo I think I'll be giving my dentist a call this week.
Sometime.
So anyway, my mouth hurts so bad I can't sleep.
And it's now 2:15.
Sigh.
Unfortunately, I can't really blame this on my tooth.

I've always been an insomniac, with or without my teeth being in place.

14 days.
2 days until I can file my taxes. bwahahaha.
Now THAT'S exciting... well, not really the act of filing your taxes, because that's actually quite lame.
But getting the money?
Yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

I've decided that House's theory that "everybody lies," is my new favorite philosophy.
It's simple, it's true, and if you believe it,
then you don't have to be disappointed when someone lies to you!
House really IS a genius.

I think I'm going to stop writing in this thing until I have something interesting to say.
Maybe in a month or so, I'll at least have enough stories to make up one long interesting blog.
Sigh.

and i'm on fire,

2009-01-11T12:05:00.006-06:00

If I learned anything last night,
it's that I am never.ever.getting married.
It's too hard and far too messy.
And someone,
whether it be one of the married ones,
or an outsider,
will end up getting hurt.
Almost every single time.
And I'm not big into doing anything for "almosts."

I've never felt so alone in my entire fucking life.
I'm not going to go into it on a public blog,
because if I want to document my experience at my mother's house last night,
I'll post a private one.
I might be angry, but I still don't intend to ruin his life, should this ever somehow get read by anyone who mattered in that respect.
If I wanted to ruin his life, I'd hunt him down.
But I'm not.

Anyway, on the one hand, I have my best friend that I can easily talk to about it,
although I'm pretty sure I've already said anything to her that there was to say about the situation.
But on the other, she has her own problems right now.
I might like talking about my problems with my friends to get them off my chest and/or to get input from them,
but I'm not big on hauling my problems off onto other people when they have their own shit to deal with.
Obviously I can't talk to my mother.
I can talk to my father, but what's the point, I'll just make him angry.
And I don't really think I can handle seeing/feeling much more anger today, or tomorrow, or the next day.

I don't know what I'm so upset about.
The whole thing was my fault anyway.
It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't reacted the way I did.
I should've just taken a breath, calmed down, and backed away.
But I didn't, and he knew I wouldn't.
He was just waiting for it.
Any excuse.
And I gave him one.
Because I'm an idiot.

In other news,
apparently one of my "friends" seems to think I'm an idiot as well,
because he thinks I'm too stupid to know when I'm being lied to.
Unfortunately, he's too stupid to realize that when he lies to me,
I'm gonna hear about it.
Especially when he mentions anything involving the truth (whatever that is to him, who even knows at this point) to my best friends.
Seriously?
After two years you'd think he'd get it.
Don't keep shit from me but tell my best friends.
It might not get back to me right away,
but it will at some point.

And at that point (which we've now come to),
I will officially stop caring about you.
I'm done.

am i part of your collection,

2009-01-10T18:11:00.003-06:00

So, last night my dad and my stepmom came over and brought dinner from Albasha.
God I love Greek food.

My dad actually makes me really happy when he comes over.
He always looks like he's so proud of me, and he talks about it too.
For example:
Last night, Travis ate too much way too fast,
started jumping around and playing, etc.,
and ended up throwing up a little on the floor.
So what did I do?
I jumped up, walked him to the bathroom,
washed his hands and his face,
brushed his teeth,
and cleaned up the floor.
No big deal.

My father thought this was amazing.
He said, "My daughter has a son who just threw up, and she's just taking care of it like it's no big deal!"
He's such a dork.
But he always finds something like that, every time he comes over.
Something so small to me because it's part of everyday life,
and it's huge to him because it's his daughter who's the grown-up in this house.

Whereas my mother has never shown me more than an ounce of her pride in me
since the day Travis was born.

Anywho.
Time to finish getting dressed so I can go hang out with the Chuckifer!
I think I'll be stopping by Starbucks or Circle K for a coffee.
I'm exhausted and I've been dragging all day.
And now the stupid woman at Walgreens won't let me pick up my prescription until tomorrow after 1:00.
Soooo I'll be drinking coffee and Red Bull tonight!
Not together, of course.

Ew.

I support capital punishment, but that ain't no lethal injection.

2009-01-09T22:19:00.004-06:00

I totally also posted this on my Myspace.

Poor Oscar Grant.
Pulling out a taser gun my fucking ass.
You mean to tell me that when he was going for his taser he ACCIDENTALLY pulled out his gun, disengaged the safety, aimed it right at the guy and fired?
Seriously?

Because I'm pretty sure it's hard to confuse ALL OF THOSE ACTIONS that it takes to shoot someone,
with pulling out your fucking taser.
Besides, why the FUCK did he need to taser him to begin with?
Let me guess, he was giving him lip?
Cuz you can see it right there in this fuckin video, he wasn't DOING anything.
And he was fucking handcuffed.

Tell me what you think. See for yourself.

By the way, I cried after I watched this.
This really is the clearest video so far of the whole thing.
Johannes Mehserle, maybe you should be publicly executed too.
You know, by accident.
Just sayin.

the moment i wanna relax is when the shit kicks in but--

2009-01-08T00:22:00.002-06:00

Apparently my grandfather had a stroke last night.
My mom told me this on the phone when I was at work.
She said so far all the tests they've done were coming back normal,
so as of right now, he's going to be fine.
She talked to him, she said he sounds fine.
But I'm not fine.
It reminds me that he's getting old.
It reminds me that one day, he's going to die.
How childish that sounds.
Of course he's going to die one day, yes, we all do.
That doesn't make it any better.
Especially not when it comes to my grandfather.
He's the kind of person who makes me forget about things like mortality,
because I don't ever see him not being alive.
In a way, I guess I've always clung to that silly childish notion that he would live forever.
But it's always made sense to me that he would live forever, even now that I'm an adult, which makes it even more childish.
Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to think that he won't ever die.
Rationally, I know he will one day.
But beyond rationality, I never thought he would.
And now I'm reminded that he won't.
Apparently he's doing fine now, which means he may not die tomorrow, or next week, or even next month,
but at some point, he will.

I think when that day does come,
I will miss his stories and his smile/laughter the most.
He has the friendliest smile and the most heartfelt laugh.
But man, he can be great with sarcasm... which I also love, because for me, it's unexpected.
And the way he winks at people. He winks at everyone.
He even infected my brother with it--Joel goes around winking at people all the time,
only he does it in that cartoonish, dramatic, sarcastic kind of way, which makes it funnier.
When my grandfather does it, it's so quick and subtle,
that you might think it was an uncontrollable reflex or something.

I cried at work when Mom told me.
Even though she'd already said he was fine.
I cried.
I don't ever cry at work.
Work is just not the kind of place where I display my personal problems in any way, shape or form (unless I'm on break, talking to Michelle of course),
least of all by crying.
But I did. And it was almost painful.

It's coming up on the one-year "anniversary" of my promotion at work.
I can't believe I've been a supervisor at that place for almost a full year already.
Which means I've been there for almost two years.
Around a year and seven months now.
I never thought I'd be there this long, truthfully.
And now I'm getting the health insurance.
Sigh.

20 days.
What's sad is, I'm more excited about my countdown to the day I can file my taxes.
In which case, 8 days.
But seriously, how pathetic is that.

listen to the boulevard,

2009-01-06T02:02:00.003-06:00

Good grief, how I love Dr. House.
And how I hate.hate.hate insomnia.
Sigh.

It's time for a change.
I'm going to start on the outside and work my way in.
Mostly because I've decided to take a Cher Horowitz approach to this and say that makeovers do the body/heart/mind good, as well as the face and hair.
Yes, I've decided to be superficial.
I'm okay with it.

I'm finally going to get rid of this black shit in my hair.
Or, I'm going to attempt to anyway.
Heh. That's the fun part.
The fun part after that is, trying to find a color light enough to put over it that WON'T turn it back to black,
but also won't look like shit.
Sigh.

I'm just sick of looking at it.
I'm hoping that finally fixing my hair will make me want to change the rest of me,
starting with this god forsaken INSOMNIA.

I'm going to try to stay up all night.
If I go to sleep now, I risk not hearing my alarm clock, because this is now the fifth night in a row to get four hours of sleep or less,
and after a while, it catches up to ya and you sleep like a fucking rock.

Sigh.
I hate you, insomnia.

in the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more--

2009-01-05T20:44:00.004-06:00

I kinda like HIM's version of that song better.

Anywho, so 23 more days.
And I've already gotten my W-2, so once the IRS stops being a bag of douche on the 16th, I can file my taxes online. Yay.
I was gonna do it tonight but apparently they aren't processing any of them until the 16th, but some websites will let you file them now, and they'll basically submit it for you on that day.
WTF.
So gay.
I want my money nowwwww!

So, Hollywood Undead is coming to New Orleans on March 23rd and to Dallas on March 25th.
I REALLY want to go, but both of those days are in the middle of the week,
and apparently we're going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras next month?
Okeydokey, I'm cool with that.
But I want to do both!
Meh.
But Justin is the only person I know who's even heard of H.U. (before I started shoving them down my friends' throats anyway) and likes them,
and he said he can't go.
Travis likes what I've made him listen to of theirs,
but I haven't asked him yet because I don't want to go with like one other person.
It's only fun with a bunch of people and apparently no one else can go.
Meh.
Laaaaame.
If only these awesome bands could come HERE.
Ugh. Bastards.

It's only Monday and I'm ready for the weekend.
This is gonna be a looong week. Damnit.

i think i'm moving but i go nowhere,

2009-01-04T05:14:00.004-06:00

Here's the thing:
2009 started three days ago and I made no New Year's resolutions like everyone else.
I jokingly told a friend that this was because I'm already so awesome, I didn't see the need to promise myself to change something about me.
Half-jokingly, at least.
The part of me that was serious, well, that is sort of implied.
That part of me believes that I truly don't need to change anything.
The part of me that was joking thinks that I don't see the need to promise myself to change something that I know I'm not going to change,
because I can make New Year's resolutions all day and night for the next week,
but come December 31st, 2009 at 11:59 PM, I won't have accomplished any of them,
nor will I even remember what they were.
But the truth is,
that part of me that really was joking about me being THAT awesome,
if I thought I'd actually do it,
I'd change
everything.

Here's the OTHER thing.
In 24 days, I'll turn 21 years old.
Yeah, it's exciting.
But I'm terrified.
I consider myself to generally be a fairly strong person,
but I'm not big on principles,
nor am I ALWAYS very strong-willed.
I'm horrified of turning 21 and making myself broke.
Seriously.
It might sound silly, but I'm afraid of it.
For example,
on a night when Travis might be staying the night at Mom's house,
if none of my friends are doing anything and I don't want to sit at home by myself on a Saturday night,
what will I do?
I'll go out, to a bar, or at least go somewhere,
and I'll drink all night.
That's one of the reasons why I've always been glad I wasn't 21,
is because whatever party I was at,
whatever drinks I had there at that party,
that was it.
Because I couldn't go out and buy more.
But now, I'll be able to buy them until I drop dead if I choose to (which I wouldn't, but I thought I'd go with a sweeping dramatic statement to make my point),
and then what if I wake up the next morning and have not only spent any cash I had on me when I got there,
and then I realize that I also drunkenly took out a hefty chunk of my bank account from an ATM because I met a cute guy and I wanted to buy HIS drinks instead of flirting with him until he bought mine, or because I met a cute guy that wasn't interested so I felt like drinking away the irritation of rejection.
Sigh.
Looks like my credit card will have to stay at home on those evenings.

But let's just say I were to make New Year's resolutions.
That would be one of them--to make sure I don't go crazy.
Am I going to go nuts at my birthday celebration? Yes.
Am I going to spend all my money? No--and I'm able to say no to THAT one with actual conviction because I'm preparing myself for that specific event.
And also because tax return time will be right around the corner from then.
See, I'm doing it already. I'm becoming an enabler.
For a problem that doesn't exist yet.
And I'm enabling MYSELF.
How pathetic.
Cuddy must be rubbing off on me.
Yes, I've been watching House.

Another one would be to make sure I pay all my bills on time.
To learn more patience at work AND outside of work.
To try to regain some faith in humanity (although that one would never happen anyway).
To stop being such an asshole. Again, at work AND outside of it.
To go see my aunt more often, because it makes her sad when Mom goes to visit her and I don't go with her.
To save more money, although in my defense, that's now going to be even more difficult, what with a huge chunk of my paycheck beginning to go towards health insurance that I've never had to pay for until now.
To take better care of my car (poor Melba Toast, she hates me).
To allow myself to make more friends (I've never been good at extending my circle very far).
To NOT drop another phone in hot chocolate--better yet, to just not damage a phone at all, all year.

Sigh.

Oh, and to get this fucking black dye out of my hair,
go back to brown,
and LEAVE the black out of it.
I'd say and to just leave it alone and not dye it all year, but I KNOW that wouldn't happen.
I might be able to promise myself not to dye it black again though.

I'll pick a few of the ones off that list and call it a day.
But it's still unofficial anyway.

like a hot noise,

2009-01-03T16:43:00.002-06:00

Today has been fairly productive.
Travis went to Mom's to play with Joel for a couple hours.
I did laundry, took down the Christmas tree, paid bills... and am now broke, but at least I paid everything I needed to.

Or, well, except for Honda.
But I get paid on the 15th and they'll have to wait until then.
Luckily tax return time is coming up soon, so I'll give them a whole bunch of money and they can suck it for a couple months before bothering me again.

New Year's Eve was pretty fun.
At least I didn't end up sitting at home.
But it was definitely strange seeing all those people I went to highschool with.
A couple of them I've known since middle school.
It was fun though.
Until some drunk-ass retard decided to drive into the gas line on the side of the house.
Sigh.
Soooo we left.

Apparently there's a new I Hate Sami club that my friends keep joining.
Supposedly when you join, you get some pretty rad shirts and hats and whatnot.
I could use some new clothes, maybe I'll become a member.

will the silence drown you too--

2008-12-31T00:34:00.002-06:00

I've never felt like such an incredible douche bag in all of my life.
Seriously.

I had my six-month performance review at work today.
I did well on this one too, thank God.
I would've been pissed if I didn't do as well as I did last time.
One of the only spots I got points taken off was, basically, because I need to show more compassion for my employees.
I laughed.
She's right, I do--but it was just funny to hear.
It's not that I'm without compassion.
I'm not entirely FULL of it either, but I lack it more at work than I do away from work.
Because I have that mentality like, "Seriously, I don't care what your problem is. Do your damn job."
Hence why I'm an off-the-chart D at work (thanks Kip).

Compassion AND common sense (and being human) tells me that we all have problems.
Money problems, problems with kids, spouses, (in)significant others, car troubles, getting evicted, dropping your phone in hot chocolate (what kind of moron...?), whatever.
I have all those problems too.
But I don't bring my problems to work.
Do I think about them? All day, of course I do.
Do I let them affect my job? If I ever have, I could count the number of times I've done it on one hand.
I'm not saying that makes me a better employee or it makes me superboss, because it doesn't.
It just means that people who share that in common with me, our brains are wired differently.
Our brains are wired to tell us, "Hey, you're at work--forget your personal bullshit for the next eight hours."
Well, for me personally, it's more like, "Either forget it, or let it help you work harder."
I have compassion for these same every-day problems.
I HAVE these same every-day problems.
I just don't show the compassion for them often.
Because nine times out of ten in the past when I've shown more compassion than I do now for people's personal problems (at work),
it ends up working against me and I get walked on.
I will not be walked on. Not by anyone.
Not at work, not outside of it.

So does that make me seem cold sometimes? Yes. It does.
Do I do it just so for the fun of being that way? Hell no.
I do it because I honestly think it's the better solution.
I'd like to think that my people know that I'm not completely ice-cold.
I joke with them, I laugh with them, I talk to them about things other than work--just not for very long.
Most of them know that though, I'm pretty sure, if not all of them.
Most of them do know that yes, I care about them and I do like talking and joking with them, but that when it comes down to it, I have to get back to work so don't keep me talking for too long or I'll start to get bitchy.
But you know, when the situation calls for it, I hit the switch that turns on the compassion wires in my brain.
And then I turn them back off as soon as I can after the situation has been dealt with, because too much stimulation of my compassionate circuits will cause my brain to fry.

Kidding.

Sorta.

but never is a promise and you can't afford to lie,

2008-12-30T20:26:00.002-06:00

Last night Keith let me borrow his laptop charger.
I plugged it in, and it kept the computer from dying, but didn't actually charge it.
So tonight he let me borrow it again because he didn't need it,
I bring it home,
I look down at MY charger, and sure enough,
the light on it is NOW turning on.
Plugged mine into the laptop, voila!
It's charging.

WTF, Dell. Seriously.

Soooo New Year's Eve is tomorrow (obviously) and I dunno what I'm gonna do.
Meh.
If I end up sitting at home for the rest of the night after the game is over,
I'm gonna be pretty fucking pissed.
Like, someone's life will end.
No really.

Oh 2008, you've disappointed me.
I'm ready for you to leave now.

who's goin home with you tonight,

2008-12-28T21:37:00.003-06:00

So, apparently at some point, the stupid AC adapter for my laptop charger
decided to stop working.
So my battery is about to die.
I tried to call Dell to get them to send me another one, because I've already tried EVERYTHING and it's just dead,
and the automated thing finally (after entering all kinds of shit and having to go through twenty goddamn menus)
tells me, "I'll get you to the right person" or whatever the fuck,
the call gets transferred,
and then
I get a disconnected tone
and an operator tells me
"Your call could not be completed. Please hang up and try again."
OH SURE.
Bitch.
I'll call them tomorrow.
Dickheads.

I've decided that I'm not calling or texting basically anyone anymore unless they call/text me.
It may sound stupid.
But aside from Becca and Chuck (pretty much anyway), everyone I'm "friends" with, they don't ever randomly text me or call me. I do.
Which makes me think that they don't care enough to.
Which they probably DON'T.
Hence why I'm not doing it anymore.
I'm not putting anymore energy or effort into friendships that aren't even existent.

I'm going to end up extremely bored because of this though.
That's the only downfall.
That and realizing that I may have even less than four friends.
That would probably be a downside too.
Hmm.

first posts are always the hardest.

2008-12-27T17:02:00.003-06:00

Whatever the hell that means.
How melodramatic.

This is like the 50,000th blog I've ever made.
It's annoying, being that compulsive about such lame shit.
I can't help it though.
Before the days of Myspace, Livejournal, etc., back when everyone had AOL (DIAL-UP, mind you--what a bunch of neanderthals),
I was constantly changing my AOL screen name and pissing off all my friends.
They found it extremely irritating and bothersome.
I laughed.

I'm going to take a shower.
And then I will be going to Becca's.
I thought I'd share that with the world.

I just wanted to post something.

My life is dull.